Are you on your table or mine?

I came across the quote below as I was in contemplation about my experience in the Church of England (CofE) as a priest and, most importantly, as a black woman surviving in a toxic Church environment of misogyny and racism.

The quote:

“Sometimes the table isn’t missing a seat, sometimes it’s just the wrong room”.

Is it to go into another room? I won’t give away the FARM here, but I will say these few words to advocate the essence of being, for autonomy and advocacy always.

Being able to advocate for oneself is important.

Given that I have a short piece to write about Black experiences of blackness in the CofE, I’ll say it’s an extrapolatory experience, though some black clergy and laity experiences are different. I have often urged the community to be their authentic self and how advocacy and autonomy are extremely linked.

For too long a lot of Black Asian Minority Ethnic (BAME) people in the CofE tried to get a seat at the table, sometimes even internalising the racism or not taking off the masks to ‘fit in’/ join the club. Worse yet become the gate keepers who take on the passed supremacist role of keeping ‘them out’ of the club, the ones who do not conform (not internalised) but are seen as trouble or boat rockers.

We must keep in mind that racism and white supremacy affects both black and white people. To this end we are to be mindful of knowing our history, how it suppresses or empowers us and of our responsibility to the children and grandchildren in the Church and society to have a voice, to be heard and above all know their worth.

Take the analogy of a wound or a paper cut, though small still hurts at first cut and a plaster is put on to stop the bleed. But a wound from a deep cut must be drained, maybe an operation to look deeper and possibly stitched and bandaged over to prevent any infection. That pain is intense and hurts a lot (speaking from experience). If you think about it, you do not suffer in silence with your wound pain, you let the doctor know so that together you work on healing the wound with care, medication and have less pain, or no pain.

Should not the CofE work to alleviate the pain, the trauma, and the inequality of its predominantly black congregants? These people are hurting and believe the CofE does not care about them or their vicars as they have seen from their own experiences.

When I said yes to God, in answer to the call to be a Christian from a young person through to adulthood, the hymn at Trinity Anglican Church Revival service comes to mind, “And Can it be”.

“And can it be that I should gain an interest in the Saviour’s blood? Died he for me, who caused his pain, for me, who him to death pursued? Amazing love how can it be that thou my God, shouldst die for me? My chains fell off, my heart was free I rose, went forth and followed thee”.

The words from the confessional prayer, “We have wounded your love and marred your image in us….”

The love of God, our Saviour Jesus Christ, does not demand of us to keep score or need proof always, it is there in his words, in the humility of Jesus. It is not the don’t care narcissistic trait of self-love and not being humble. The Bible teaches us humility, and we are each day reminded of our unworthiness before God and that as children of God he makes us worthy.

There are many questions regarding whether you are on your table or mine and of the invisible people asking to be made visible, to be seen. I have listened to both black lay people and clergy in the CofE, people who are authentic about their feelings and experiences in the CofE almost as if no one gives a rats a**e about issues, how people, women (especially black women) are treated in the Church or about abuse in different forms. The CofE needs to recognise that the people who do not speak or make a deal out of it are the ones who are truly suffering.

Is it that BAME people also need to recognise and not spend their life or ministry trying to earn a seat at the table that never sets a place for them? And not needing for people to notice when they are useful to be used.

Personally, I believe people need to know their self-worth, their value and they do not have to be less of themselves to be invited or feel legitimate to only be noticed when they are useful.

‘Yuh hafi know whey yuh worth’.