Why Christian men and Christian women need to do all we can to stop domestic abuse
“Leave her alone,” is one of my favourite quotes from Jesus. He said it to men who were complaining about a woman anointing him with expensive perfume. In Luke's version of the story the complaint comes from a Pharisee who thinks to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would have known who and what kind of woman this is who is touching him, that she is a sinner.” (Luke 7: 39) It seems that ‘slut shaming’ was alive and well in 1st century Judea and Jesus was not impressed. He responded, ““Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave me no water for my feet, but she has bathed my feet with her tears and dried them with her hair. You gave me no kiss, but from the time I came in she has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not anoint my head with oil, but she has anointed my feet with ointment.” (Luke 7:44-47)
I can almost hear Jesus brimming with pride: “Do you see this woman?” "Just look at her: she’s wonderful!”
Jesus regularly defended women, but he didn’t just stop there, he empowered them along the way.
Remember that time he literally placed himself between a woman and an angry mob wanting to stone her to death and sent them all away with a flea in their ear, reminding them of their patriarchal double standard, by telling the men that if any of them were not equally guilty they could throw the first stone? I wonder what he wrote in the sand that they all quickly made themselves scarce? He didn’t stop there though, he left the woman with a clean slate and a life free from whatever it was that had caused her so much trouble in the first place.
Remember the woman with the issue of blood? Jesus was on his way to an urgent visit to heal the daughter of a very important man, but he prioritised her, placing her on an equal standing with Jairus. Then, after healing her, he announced that she had healed herself by her strong faith. This will have restored her standing in her faith community.
Remember the woman at the well, whose social standing was so low she couldn’t go to draw water in the morning with the other women, but had to wait until midday, when the well would be quiet because nobody wants to draw and carry water in the midday heat? Jesus made clear to her that he knew the background her neighbours shamed her for but did not share their disdain. Instead he offered her living water, she left that encounter transformed and became the world's first evangelist. The disciples wondered why Jesus was talking to her but John’s gospel tells us they didn’t ask why. I suspect that by this point they knew better, they’d seen Jesus defending women enough times by now.
Jesus defended women and empowered women.
Which begs the question: What’s going on with Christian men?
25% of Christians report experiencing abusive behaviours in their current relationship. The majority of these victims of domestic abuse are women, the majority of the perpetrators, Christian men. [https://www.restored-uk.org/about/our-research/2964-2/]
25% of all women will experience domestic abuse in their lifetime. So Christians are experiencing and perpetrating domestic abuse at the same rates as the general population.
The majority of Christian men are not perpetrating violence against women, but they’re not stopping it either. They’re not defending and empowering women like Jesus did.
The “good men” are looking the other way and turning a blind eye when a quarter of the women in their pews are being abused.
I’ve worked within the domestic abuse sector for over a decade now and I can count on one hand the number of men I have met working or volunteering within the field to make the world safer for women and girls. When I offer free training to churches about how to support survivors of domestic abuse, male church leaders send women from the church in their place, and conferences addressing violence against women and girls are overwhelmingly female led and attended.
Where are all the Christian men, emulating Jesus and saying “leave her alone”?
If you’re a Christian man and you’d like to respond well to Domestic Abuse perhaps you’d like to support some women in your church to facilitate an Always Hopeful Programme. Always Hopeful is an eleven week recovery programme for Christian women who have experienced domestic abuse. Whilst facilitators need to be female there’s lots of ways men can get involved in setting up, promoting, fundraising for and praying for an Always Hopeful Programme in their church. The facilitator training and domestic abuse awareness training I offer is open to both men and women.
I’m also the author of No Visible Scars: An Always Hopeful guide to recovering from domestic abuse as a Christian. Why not buy a copy for a survivor or for your church library?
Here’s some other ways men can get involved with addressing domestic abuse within the church:
- Become aware. You can book awareness training for your church from a number of organisations, including mine: [https://alwayshopeful.org.uk/training-and-seminars/]
- Call out sexism. Abuse is borne out of attitudes that men hold towards women, “locker room banter” may not be abuse in and of itself but it is the perfect breeding ground for abuse. Nip it in the bud when you see it. Sexist men won’t listen to women, we need men to challenge them.
- Role model Jesus masculinity. Similarly, unhealthy attitudes to masculinity are at the roots of violence against women. There is a surge in the popularity of unhealthy masculinity driven by populist politicians and manosphere influencers. Jesus offers an alternative vision of masculinity, one that is marked by humility, service and respect for women. In particular we need men to teach this masculinity to boys.
- Consider whether any of your theology and doctrine is inadvertently empowering abusers. 71% of men who abuse Christian women use Christian teachings to justify their abuse. [https://www.restored-uk.org/about/our-research/turn-the-tide/]
- Speak Up- abuse thrives in silence, secrecy and shame. Speak openly about what constitutes abuse, name abusive behaviours and condemn them from the pulpit. Use social media for good, share content that educates about domestic abuse within the church on your social media pages (for example, Faith and VAWG coalitions social media, or Restoreds, or mine) [links: https://www.facebook.com/FaithAndVAWG https://www.facebook.com/Rest0reduk https://www.facebook.com/sallyhopealwayshopeful ]
- Fundraise. Charities who support survivors are always grossly underfunded and are in desperate need of fundraising. When you fundraise for domestic abuse charities it also communicates to victims that you care about what they are going through and are a safe person for them to confide in.
-Promote equality in your church - are women represented equally in your church leadership? Are men represented equally on the creche or cleaning or tea and coffee rotas? Do you promote gender roles in your church activities (ie craft club for women while the men have beer and barbecue) or can everyone fully participate in every aspect of church life?
- Teach healthy relationships. Talk to your own children, your church youth groups and couples about to marry about what love looks like and does not look like. We have a wonderful description of what love is within the bible and we need to spend more time teaching people these standards for their relationships. There are some free resources you can use to speak to youth groups and marriage preparation classes here: [https://alwayshopeful.org.uk/resources/]
Sally Hope is an author with a specialism in faith and domestic abuse. She is the author of No Visible Scars which you can buy here: https://sally-hope.sumupstore.com/product/no-visible-scars-an-always-hopeful-guide-to-healing-from-domestic-abuse-as-a-christian and the creator of the Always Hopeful Programme. You can learn more about how to facilitate an Always Hopeful Programme in your church here: https://alwayshopeful.org.uk/what-is-always-hopeful/
